Deployment

My heart hurts right now more than I thought it would. I've been here before and so that is saying something.

Well, he is gone. The hardest part was watching him kiss the twins goodbye. I felt pain, physical pain, shoot through me when he leaned down and kissed them while they slept in their car seats.

As I drove home in the darkest parts of the morning, I was sobbing in a very not-tough-as-nails fashion and repeating the phrase, "I am going to be ok. I am going to be ok. I am going to be ok." over and over again.

Then I started praying.

"God - please help me with my teenage son. He needs a dad here. I can't do this alone so please let me say the right things. He is learning how to be a man and I can't teach that on my own. Please, God, please, just let me not mess him up.

Please help the babies recognize him when he comes home. Let them be interested in the computer enough to learn to say "daddy" and connect the moving pictures on the webcam with the man that will come back. On that note, please, let him have a decent internet connection.

Please, let Ethan be ok. If he cries every night like he did before, I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together myself. I promised we were going to be positive.

Please, let me be cheerful. Let me not loose my mind too much.

Please don't let the cars or the house break down.

Please, let me be able to go to sleep easily at night.

Please, let this make us stronger. Help me remember what I already know when things get hard and let me be humble enough to learn the new things you have to teach me."




At the very beginning of our Army life, Troy sent me this quote:

"Separated lovers cheat absence by a thousand fancies which have their own reality. They are prevented from seeing one another and they cannot write nevertheless they find countless mysterious ways of corresponding, by sending each other the song of birds, the scent of flowers, the laughter of children, the light of the sun, the sighing of the wind, and the gleam of the stars-all the beauties of creation." - Victor Hugo

Oh, how true it was back then. I spoke to him on moonbeams and he could hear me. I watched him as he marched up Victory Hill and I cheered him on and whispered encouragement when things were hard. And there was so much magic when he answered me in return! I could hear his voice when I stood outside in the dark. He would tease me when I cried but then touch my face softly with the wind. You don't know what it is like to speak through time and distance like that unless you have been there. It is real. It sustains you. I am here at the beginning of another separation and trying to remind myself of these moments so it doesn't seem so bad. They are beautiful and precious because so few people understand what it is like to reach for the one you love with thoughts and emotions so intense that they can actually bridge a physical separation, and nature itself races to deliver your words to your sweetheart.

I know that only great loves endure distance. They are sharpened by it. They thrive with it. I know this is true and motivate myself through the hard parts by telling myself this. Today is a hard day.


January 2014....here we come!

Quotes

"Recording revelation shows God that His communication is sacred to us. "

Thanksgiving gift idea

Thanksgiving Blessings Mix

Bugles
Prestzels
Candy Corn
Fruit
Peanuts

The Bugles are a symbol of the Cornucopia, a horn of plenty.

The Pretzels represent arms folded in thanks and prayer.

The candy corn reminds us that during the first winter, the pilgrims were allowed only five kernels of corn per day because food was so scarce.

The fruit is a reminder that thanksgiving is the celebration of the harvest

The peanuts represent seeds, the potential of the bounteous harvest for the next season if they are planted and well-tended.

Birth Story

I woke up a little after 1am with contractions. I think the clock said 1:14. They were painful, but they were short enough that I tried to sleep through them and just rest. We’d only been to bed since 11:30 and so I was pretty tired. After a few contractions I couldn’t rest and felt antsy. I can’t really explain it but I was questioning if I should wake up Troy and that let me know that I should. So I woke him up and said that I was having contractions. He immediately jumped up which was validating. I went straight to the bathtub and it hadn’t even finished filling and I knew the contractions were serious enough for me to believe that it was real labor and I was working to cope with the pain. The funny thing was that I couldn’t really tell when the contractions started and stopped. They got more and less painful but there wasn’t that clean beginning and end that I’ve always had before, even with Braxton hicks contractions. Troy and I both knew that we may not have a lot of time if my labor went as fast as before and so we needed to make a decision quick and neither of us expected to have something so grey happen that left us questioning. I asked him to go wake up Mary. She came in and I was slightly starting to vocalize with the contractions. I could take and analyze them during the contractions and I kept saying, “I shouldn’t be this chatty.” I knew if I was conversing so easily that it wasn’t very serious. She and Troy helped me through some contractions with cool cloths and getting me towels to support my head since I was mostly on my hands and knees at that point. Pretty soon I asked her to check my cervix which surprised everyone including myself. I just felt like since my contractions were not telling me clearly whether I needed to go to the hospital that maybe that would help. (In a way going to the hospital was such an artificial and outside question of my labor and not embodied at all, that a cervical exam which is also an artificial aspect of labor I hoped would give me the answer that my embodied experience was totally unrelated to. My labor was telling me that I was in labor and in early labor and I wanted to get through the contractions and talk and move. That was where I was. That also didn’t tell me when to go to the hospital though…) so she checked me and said I was 4 ½ cm and 100% effaced, about -1 station and with a nice bulging sac.

Troy went and started the car and started putting suitcases in right away and left me with Mary. She was gently encouraging me to go and I was resisting. “I don’t want to go!” her, “I know you don’t, but you need to consider if it is going to get any easier to ride in the car later.” “They just don’t hurt enough. Oooooo Oooooo Oooooo.” “But you know that things can change fast for you.” So slowly I gave in, complaining all the way. The contractions started getting harder and I could tell when they started and stopped. I think when I stood up from the bathtub that standing really increased them and Mary and Troy helped me to his truck. I was stopping and vocalizing every couple steps on the way to the car and at one point on the porch held on to the rail of the porch stopped to say, “I don’t want to Gooooo ooooo oooo.” During a contraction. Later I imagined that scene with me holding onto the rails being pulled to the car leaving fingernail scratch marks down the porch with curls of wood coming off. LOL

I got in the back seat of the explorer on my hands and knees with the pillows under me and we drove away. That car ride was not fun but it really got my contractions going. They became stronger and stronger with every mile and boy did I let troy know if he hit a bump. Railroad crossings were not my friend. Troy was trying to encourage me and praise me along the way and I was really vocalizing loudly with each contraction. At the same time that things were progressing that way I still felt that I was too talkative with troy and felt too clear headed and analytical about everything happening. I knew that I wasn’t in hard labor because even though the contractions were long and painful they weren’t ‘enough’ to get that whole body/brain reaction from me. We finally got to the hospital and troy pulled into the E.R. The little nurse that opened the door cracked me up. Mary had called ahead and told them all our info and that we were coming and the little nurse took one look at me and was like, “oh my! Oh my! Yep let’s get moving!” they got me into the wheel chair (with one slipper missing) and she wheeled me off as fast as a bullet. As she pushed me she said, “They had better have those doors unlocked! They had better have those doors unlocked!” when we got upstairs they didn’t have the doors unlocked and she was upset. I think she was the happiest person in the world when she wheeled me into my room and handed me off to someone else because she seemed so convinced that I was going to deliver in the hallway. LOL

The nurses that checked me in were amazing. Jeannette and Tracy were their names and they were just awesome. They were laughing and cute and happy and welcoming. Troy parked the car and joined us soon and they got us admitted and gowned and i.v.-ed. I was gbs+ and so I had to get antibiotics. Yuck! The worse part though was Dr. Byron was on call and I knew that going in because of our confrontation that week where I wouldn’t let him check my cervix and he had snipped at me as we left, “well maybe I’ll see you this weekend.” Well he sure tried to make up for me not letting him check me during the week by brutalizing me when he did check me. He was horrid. He came in and looked like a mess with his hair disheveled and super grumpy. I tried to be light hearted and said, “Well you said you might see me and here I am!” and he responded, “ ya, funny.” That was all he said to us the whole time. He didn’t welcome us or say hello or communicate his plans or my medical information to us. He only spoke to the nurses as if we weren’t even there even while checking me. When he checked me he was brutal. He really hurt me.  I was at a five. My contractions started to fade after his exam and I wasn’t surprised at all. An hour later he came back and checked me again. I shouldn’t have let him but I did. Same thing. Brutal. Rough. Awful. 5 cm. he left without a word to us. My labor completely stopped then. Virtually no contractions and no progress….but…I was proud of my body for recognizing danger and responding. Troy and I knew that Dr. Sarah Bowen-Pasfield came on call at 7am and so we just started the count down until she came on.

I also decided that I wanted my sister to come down. I am not even 100% sure why I wanted her there when I had been so against it because I wanted Nancy there. But during my pregnancy, I just felt so disconnected from Nancy. She didn’t return my calls and I felt she wasn’t really interested in me and so when it came down to it I wanted someone there who I knew wanted to be there and help me and have no insecurities. We arranged babysitting and Mary was on her way. Dr. Sarah came in about 8am and wanted to check me. I let her know I didn’t want her to and that Dr. Byron had hurt me. I told her that I felt my labor had stalled because of what he had done. She responded that a cervical check couldn’t have stalled my labor and wasn’t really listening to what I was saying which I didn’t appreciate. I did let her check me and I didn’t even feel her. That was also validating that Byron was a jerk. I was still a 5 and so she asked to break my water. I told her I just wanted a nap after all that had happened. I was upset and tired and just wanted to let it go. She looked exasperated and said she had a C-section that she had to do and that the other mom was waiting on me. I hated that I was getting bullied into a procedure because of someone else’s circumstances and I really didn’t want it. If there is anything I regret not standing up and telling Byron to keep his hands off me and this part are the parts that I regret. I wish Troy had stood up for me here and I wish I had stood up for myself. I was totally capable but I felt upset and frustrated and knew that breaking my water would get labor going. I asked for Troy and I to have a moment to pray together and we did. I felt ok-ish about doing it and so we agreed. She broke my water just a little after 8am and Mary showed up just 5 minutes later.

At that point I was very, very serious about getting my labor going. I knew the clock had started on interventions and I didn’t want to have things escalate. The nurses helped us set up the birth ball and break down the bed and I started working my hips in circles and moving and trying to bring on the contractions. This was a totally different frame of mind than I had ever been in during labor at this point. Normally, in labor, I try to find the most comfortable position and position that relieved the pressure the most. This was opposite. I would circle and rotate until I found the position that hurt or brought on the pressure the most and then I would rock in that position over and over again. It felt like I was searching for pain….not the bad kind, but the working kind. I found it! I completely don’t know time during the part but contractions didn’t start as soon as she broke my water, but they did start up gradually and then got harder and harder. I had to use the bathroom a couple times and when I stood up that seemed to really trigger contractions more than the birth ball did. I would hang on Troy and sway and ‘dance’ with him rocking back and forth and Mary would put pressure on my back during contractions. I remember Troy saying something about Mary being the labor pro and he was the post. LOL

The other thing that really seemed to help was visualizing the babies and my contractions internally. During the contractions I would really tune into my body and imagine what was happening. My thoughts were more lucid during this labor than my other labors (or at least at this point) and so I did this much better than I have before. I think that standing and visualizing is what kicked my labor into truly high gear.

After a while I started getting nauseous. Mary got me a pan and after a few contractions I started throwing up a lot. That was when my water really gushed. Poor Mary and Troy! At that point I had something really neat happen. I was facing the labor bed and I felt this NEED to get into the bed and hold onto the back of the bed. It was almost like a voice telling me I needed to kneel and hang on to it like that. And so I did. By then my contractions were starting to rip away my sanity a little and I wanted to be done. I got a tiny bit panicky a few times when a contraction would start because of how intense they were and it was getting really hard to relax into them. I remember saying, “I don’t want another one!” at the end of a couple contractions and Mary and Troy commenting that I was well in transition.

I was tired and the pain was huge and so I went right for the end goal. I reached even deeper with the visualization that worked so well and I knew that Dallin was the presenting baby and so I imagined him and started sending my thoughts straight to him. I kept thinking, “Come down, baby, come down.” And then it occurred to me that if I called to him that maybe he would come out. This was my favorite part of labor in hindsight. I started calling his name over and over again, “Dallin. Dallin.” Slow and lowly I was moaning his name and his name became my mantra. I calmed down immediately when I did this and felt ‘in the zone’. During each contraction I would call his name and even though they kept coming strong and the pressure kept building I knew he was listening and working with me.

It wasn’t very much longer and I started feeling the urge to push. Ok, not just the urge but I started holding my breath and pushing a little at the peak of contractions. Mary caught the sounds and asked if I was feeling pushy. I nodded and grunted a “yes” and so she told the nurse I was feeling “A little bit pushy” I remember thinking, “No I am a lot a bit pushing!” The nurse went and got the Dr. and she checked me which I didn’t even remember and said, “Yep, she is complete. Let’s go. “So they unplugged all the machines and since I was kneeling on the bed, they just threw a blanket over my back and started wheeling me out the door. I vaguely opened my eyes and saw people in the hallway and wondered what they were thinking as I rolled past.

In the hallway I went from chanting Dallin’s name to chanting “Push! Push! Push!” and they kept telling me not to push. I wasn’t thinking terrible clearly but wondered how they expected me to not push. I also had this feeling that I just needed to listen to my body. I had a huge need to bare down and did and felt his head deliver. I was all covered with the blanket and reached down and touched his head and said, “Head!” and then the rest of him slipped right out onto my legs. I reached down and felt his head and ran my hands to his hand. I felt it open and close. And I said, “Baby. Baby.” Trying to communicate that I had just delivered my baby right there in the hallway. Troy told me that you could see him deliver under the blanket and they stopped right there and the Dr. or Mary or someone flipped back the blanket and checked him out. Mary was talking to me, telling me that the baby was just fine and I could feel him moving his hands. After a quick check the Dr. said, “Let’s keep going” and we rolled the rest of the way into the O.R.

I was so tired and so totally consumed by what had just happened that I couldn’t move. I also instantly had the awareness that I had to do it all over again and felt the immediate pressure from Kiernan. They quickly got me settled into the O.R. and swept Dallin away. I didn’t even get to see him, but I could hear him fussing and to be honest even though my brain wanted to see him, I wasn’t in snuggle my new baby mode, I was still in full blown labor and not ready to hold him or focus on him. I needed to get Kiernan out.

The Dr. asked me to turn around and roll over and I just couldn’t get my legs to respond. I felt frozen and like my muscles wouldn’t work. Mary and someone else let me flop into their arms and they rolled me over. The Dr. was fussing machines and I could hear her telling people to get an ultrasound reading on the baby and she told me she was going to reach up after Kiernan which she did. I don’t really remember that much, I know it wasn’t comfortable but I also was in just such a fuzz of thought that I can’t really recall it thank goodness. Mary later told me that they couldn’t get Kiernan’s heart rate on the monitor and so they did a quick ultrasound and checked on his position (which he had slid straight down into my cervix nice and head first) and his heart rate which was perfect in the 150’s still. She also then took an internal fetal monitor and needled his amniotic sac so it would deflate slowly. Then she asked me to push and I did for the second half of the contraction after she had done that. All this time, Mary was talking to me and telling me how Dallin was doing and that he was pink and kicking and I really appreciated her voice. I don’t remember anyone else talking to me much but I remember her. This was where she really was the amazing gift. She kept me grounded and calm instead of feeling like I was a piece of meat. The next contraction I really bore down hard and Kiernan was born. The Dr. Cut and clamped the cord immediately which I hated and saw no point to and was about to hand him off to the NICU nurse when Mary interrupted. She said, “Can Heather hold her baby? He is breathing and pink and she really wants to hold him.” The Dr. hesitated and Mary said, “Look at him. He is doing great. Can she hold him?” And the Dr. sighed and handed Kiernan to me. Mary and a nurse on the other side pounced on my hospital gown and opened it up so I could put him straight o my chest and I just held him and cooed to him. I kissed him and stroked him and talked to him. The nurse asked if we could stimulate Kiernan a bit more because he was still blue-ish and after a minute more the Dr. asked me to hand him over so they could check him out and rub him down. I was totally ok with them taking him for a while and the Dr. needed me to deliver the placentas anyway. Mary was talking to me still and telling me that Troy was with Dallin and Kiernan and telling me what they were doing. The Dr. was also giving me instructions to deliver the placentas and the fundal massage and all that jazz. She asked me about Pitocin and I gave the ok for it because I honestly didn’t care at that point. I also need some stitches and so they got me stitched and cleaned up and then they brought the boys back to me. They hadn’t washed them or weighed them or anything. They had little hats on but no diapers. They laid them right on my chest with Dallin on the left and Kiernan on the right. Both of them had their eyes wide, wide open. Neither was crying, they were just looking around. The room was freezing and so the covered us in blankets and put a blanket over my hair.

Dallin and Kiernan were looking right at each other and they reached out and held each other’s hands right over my heart. It was such a beautiful moment. I couldn’t believe that they were both there. I couldn’t believe that there were two of them. I couldn’t believe that we had done it! But with all the emotions that I was feeling there was something very sacred and special happening that I felt had nothing to do with me. Dallin and Kiernan were looking at each other for the first time. They were touching each other for the first time. That moment was all about them. It was their hello and their greeting. The rest of us were just privileged spectators to their moment. I remember looking down on them with such awe. Everything at that moment was perfect and I was so very, very happy.

Randomness

I keep thinking about blogging and never find the time. But there is just so many random things going on that I'd like to write down, but none of them seem big enough to make an entire blog about....so let's just try jotting down some random thoughts, shall we?

So I am 35 weeks now. Considering that average delivery gestation for twins is 36 weeks I kind of had a moment when I realized that theoretically I could have these babies at any time. Strange. I don't really feel ready to have two babies right now. It has gone by SO fast. On the other hand, I am getting so big and uncomfortable that I am starting to think about what a relief it'll be to not be pregnant anymore.

Speaking of uncomfortable...Wow, I've never had aches and pains like this before! LOL Honestly, I can't complain. I am so blessed. But if I was going to talk about the hard parts I'd have to admit that the joint pain isn't fun. My hands and feet are really swollen and apparently some of the swelling is moving into my sonovial fluid, particularly in my hands. My fingers on my left hand are refusing to work. It started with one finger being stiff in the morning and now I can't bend them and have very little grip at all through my whole hand. Weird. But again, all things considered if that is my worst complaint I still consider myself lucky.

Oh the comments have started! I have never gotten people commenting before on my size. I don't enjoy it. People say the dumbest things. "Your husband will need a wheelbarrow to carry you around in soon!" "You look like you are going to explode." "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!" "You look like you are due yesterday!" "You look miserable." Hmmmm thanks people. I had a lady at walmart that really made a great comment though it wasn't about my size. She asked how many kids I had and when I answered she said, "Oh honey, after these two you just NEED to get your tubes tied." Can you say, 'none of your business' Mrs. Inappropriate. I am tired of people talking about my body. I realize that it is different than it normally is, but I really wish that people would just be happy and celebrate with me without feeling entitled to talk about details of my physique.

I guess if I am big (43 lbs +) that it means babies are big and happy. They were 4 1/2 lbs at their last growth check. That was 3 weeks ago and so I am guessing they'll be 5 1/2 now....11 lbs of baby in my tummy. Wow.

Sleeping is hard. I've had to start sleeping sitting up. My pelvix can't take it laying down. Poor Troy can't really sleep with me anymore because I make a 'throne' out of the bed with so many pillows. I've totally taken over.

The Dr's and I are doing ok. They keep pushing cervical exams and I keep saying no. They aren't happy with me. But I don't care. I may let them do an exam later if I feel like it, but I do not, do not, do not want them around my cervix right now. There just isn't any good reason for it and there are lots of bad things that could happen. On the scale of pros and cons....my answer is decidedly NO. But holding my ground is stressful.

I got the list of On-Call Schedules for the Dr's today. It doesn't change a lot but at least I'll know who is on call when and if I want to try and get labor going on my own then I'll know when to try and when not to. Honestly though, I don't really care a lot right now. They all seem so similar except for Buchele and he would either be 100% bad for me or 100% good. I think I'd like to stay away from him and not find out. He is the  pushiest of the bunch by far. Dr Fasolak was nice, but he wasn't the dream Dr I was hoping he'd be. I still think he'd be good though. He was still supportive of delivering in the room and not the O.R.

My SIL comes in 4 days. Things are going so fast. I can't believe I am here at the end. It'll probably start going slow now that I've said that. I just have focussed so much on getting them here that I can't imagine actually having them! At the rate I am going with this blog, by the next time I do make an entry it'll be about their birth!

The Farm

I just called The Farm. You know, it felt like I was just wishing on a star but I did it anyway. I know I can't afford it. I know that it is too far away. Troy doesn't have any vacation. I know it is just impracticle....but I called anyway.

I talked to Pamela Hunt when I called and she asked some initial questions and told me, "You are actually a really good candidate to deliver here at the Farm. We haven't done twins in a while and the local Dr's don't like it when we do, but you have a strong background. That isn't a yes. I need to talk to everyone because we would need a full team on board for you, but I'll discuss it with them and get back to you."

What if it did work? Oh my. What if Ina May was at my birth? I am just dreaming.

But at least I am still dreaming...

Getting big

Ok, time to get personal:

So I started at 110lbs. The most I've ever gained in a pregnancy was with E and I put on 35 lbs. He was a good 8 and 1/2 lb baby and so I don't cook them small. Well, twins is something new. I've put on 32 lbs already and I am only 27 weeks. And these babies aren't looking small at all....twins often run smaller than single babies, but not only are these boys big for twins, they are running over the average size for singletons!

I am so grateful everyday that things are going so well. It has been a perfect pregnancy and knowing that everything is healthy with them and me and that they are big and moving (really moving!) and developing exactly how they should just brings me to my knees to say thank you to my Heavenly Father.

I can be a spoil sport and so I worry that things are so good now, that something awful is going to happen later to balance it out, but I try and smack myself every time I think that way. *SMACK*

Back to big bellies: well, this belly is large enough now that I can't see my toes or even my knees when I look down. And every time I do look down....I smile.